Birth Through The Eyes Of The Partner

By: Peter

Don’t panic

So you were just told some interesting news by your partner. Apparently, there is going to be a new addition to your family. An addition that will rely solely on you and your partner for absolutely everything! You need to start planning for their future, get life insurance, baby-proof the house all right now!…take a deep breath and slow down.

Your partner is pregnant, so now what?

I seem to go into analysis paralysis when faced with a new, overwhelming challenge. Hearing that your wife is pregnant is one of those challenges. The funny thing is, I was actually expecting her to tell me she is pregnant. I just had a sense about it! However, having a hunch does not make the news any less daunting. Like many first time expectant parents, I went through the many stages of grief to finally get to acceptance. I struggled with the concept of raising a human being and being responsible for someone else. I had a long way to go to get my act together in order to become a good father. Little did I know that these feelings were all normal and appropriate! It was just the beginning of the greatest transformation of my life.

We prepared our small 11th floor apartment as best we could and decided to move to a townhouse when our lease was up. My wife and I took a 6-week doula-taught birthing class, which really helped me get comfortable with what to expect. After that class I truly felt very prepared for the delivery day. We highly recommend some sort of birthing class. There are a lot of things to think about when preparing for the hospital, especially when your partner is not in the right frame of mind to remind you. So, although Amy already gave a list of what to bring here, I have decided to add a few things to bring as well:

Things to bring

1. Electric Shaver
2. Favorite snacks for 3 days for both mom and partner
3. Comfy sweatpants/sweatshirt (it tends to be cold in the hospital)
4. Flip flops/slippers
5. Pillow from home (sometimes they run out and spouses are the first to not get one).
6. External battery for charging phones/tablets
7. Phone charger and extra long power cord
8. Camera (we bought a DSL camera before my first was born and absolutely love the photos) or a phone works too!
9. A nice outfit for pictures (I neglected to bring a nice shirt with my first and regret it)

It’s go time

Vaginal, singleton birth

My wife went into labor in our apartment and remained in labor for 50+ hours until we finally headed to the hospital. At home I helped Amy with her contractions the best I could with the techniques we learned from the birthing class. Some of them include: lower back pressure, back massages, belly spins and hip squeezes. My arms were exhausted from the hip squeezes but I wasn’t going to say anything, she’s obviously in more discomfort than I am. Finally after two days of early labor at home, Amy’s contractions were close enough together to head to the hospital.

We arrive at the hospital at 11 am and park in the emergency room parking lot. The security guard immediately calls someone to wheel Amy to the labor and delivery unit. Amy and I were so exhausted from only sleeping for the max of 20 minute intervals the past two nights, that she accepted an epidural.

I LOVE the epidural! Instantly, her discomfort and cringing pain disappeared. We could now both relax. I was able to go grab a snack in the cafe and she is able to take a nap. Finally, the OB came in and said that it was time to get going. I stand by her head and talk to her and encourage her while holding her hand, after 17 minutes my daughter was born. It all happens so unbelievably fast! The whole experience was incredible and indescribable. How amazing that my wife could grow this perfect human inside her, go through all this discomfort, and push her out! Truly a miracle. Within 10 minutes of being born, she has her hand wrapped around my finger (of course, now I am wrapped around her’s).

C-section, twin birth

When my twins were born, we had a scheduled c-section. This was significantly less chaotic and stressful. A scheduled c-section allows you to get a good nights rest before your big day, to pack your car and mentally prepare. It is a very different experience.

At first, I was obviously nervous. Like Kelly Kapoor from The Office, I was afraid of Amy being cut open and have her insides put on a table. However, unlike Kelly, I was very well informed and our OB is well practiced in delivering twins. This put us all at ease of what to expect. It probably also helps this wasn’t our first birth.

With the twins, we stop by our room prior to the birth, then after taking vitals and getting situated, Amy goes to the operating room. Meanwhile, I wait in an adjacent room for a few minutes and join Amy in the Operating Room. It is incredible how fast the doctors can work. The surgery had already begun when I enter the room and there were 11 other people working. I stand by Amy’s head and just give her moral support. Soon the babies are born and Amy is sewn back together. I got to hold my daughter in the OR while they were attending to my son and Amy. It was another exhilarating experience that is hard to explain. However, the reality that we were parents to 3 children now, didn’t hit until we all got home from the hospital.

Key take-away

• Listen to mom and do what she needs. Try your best to anticipate, if possible.
• Keep a cool head and prepare. Taking a birthing class was extremely helpful in many ways.
• Don’t get in the way. Do exactly as you are told by the medical professionals. The focus needs to be completely on mom and baby. They joking (but not so jokingly) told me that if I passed out they would just leave me there.
• Be there for your partner. She’s probably scared, even if you are, be her rock. She doesn’t need to be worried about your nerves as well as hers.
• Be supportive mentally and physically. Reassure her that she did wonderfully, even if the birth didn’t go as planned. Reassure her that she is doing a great job breastfeeding, etc. Run and get her whatever she wants. Help her to the bathroom. Jump in there and start changing diapers! You got this!
• Be a team, work together. If not for each other, do it for the benefit of your new child. With that being said, we are all human and imperfect. Give each other grace, lots and lots of grace.

Whether planned or unplanned, vaginal or c-section, or singleton or multiples, the experience is truly magical and life changing. I want to encourage any partner reading this to try and slow down and appreciate the special moments.

In conclusion

When dealing with the reality of parenthood, you have two options. You can either rise to the occasion and become the person your child needs, or you can run and hide. Since running and hiding is unacceptable, I choose to rise to the occasion. In short, I have become a completely different person after hearing the two words “I’m pregnant!” and would not have my life be any other way. Sure, life is tiring and not as flexible as before, but the joy I get everyday when I come home from work when I hear, “Daddy! I missed you!”, makes it all feel better.

To read all about our birth story, click here.

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